Praise the Lord!
by FanfictionIsAWayOfLife
Summary: Lord Voldemort has always used muggle sayings ("Sweet Jesus!"). His muggleborn followers start to put two and two together, and come to the realization that he's the Second Coming. Pureblooded followers convert to a new form of Christianity because of it, and he's regarded in other countries as a dedicated missionary. Praise the Lord!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This was a particularly vicious plot bunny. I mean the bunny was like the one in Monty Python. Yeah. It was that bad. I had stitches in my side from all the ideas it gave me, so I've decided to share some with you all. I might eventually add a scene with Dumbledore and Harry's reactions, I'm not sure. I mean no offense to anyone, this fic is just for laughs. There aren't any pairings in this fic (I think) unless you squint reaaally hard at a 394 degree angle. Have fun reading!

Many men and women in black cloaks and silver masks stood in the throne room of Riddle Manor. They were waiting for their Lord to arrive. He always came on time to the meetings at seven o'clock sharp, and every one of his followers were expected to be there by then. But for now, there were at least thirty minutes left until he arrived (since no one wanted to chance his wrath by being late). This time was normally used for idle chatting, like it was currently.

Not all of the Dark Lord's followers were purebloods. Some were halfbloods, and there were even a few muggleborns. The muggleborns included witches and wizards who had negative experiences with muggles or who just liked the Dark Lord's charismatic personality enough to put up with his views. And although the muggleborns embraced the culture of the Wizarding World, they still clung to several ideas of the muggles', including religion. Particularly ideas from Christianity. Of course, they skimmed over the idea of magic being wrong and sinful. That was just ridiculous to believe since they were magicals themselves. But they still believed strongly in God and Jesus Christ. And it was as one muggleborn follower talked with his friend about Jesus that he came to a strange, albeit possible conclusion.

Looking over at his best mate, Steve slowly tried to put his thought process to words. He wanted to make sure he wasn't going mental, so he took a deep breath, and began, "Gerald, I've an idea. An idea so crazy, so ludicrous, so simply unbelievable, that it must be true. Our Lord is the Dark Lord. Who is Jesus? He is _the_ Lord. What if our Lord, our Lord and Master, was _the_ Lord, Jesus Christ?" Getting a look of disbelief, he clarified, "Have you heard our Lord curse before? No? Well, he never uses wizard sayings. He uses _muggle_ ones. Just the other day, I heard him say, 'Good God!'" At this fact, Gerald's eyes widened, "Good God, he said! Does that not sound like something Jesus would say? Our Lord is the Second Coming, Gerald!"

Gerald saw Steve's point. Their Lord was the Second Coming! They had to act, now, and fast! "Steve," he said in a rush of excitement, "we need to spread the word. We need to tell everyone we know about this miracle! Jesus has come to us in the form of our Lord! He's come to deliver us from the Light!" Some of the Death Eaters surrounding them backed away, seeing the crazed look in their eyes, but others, those who have heard a bit about Jesus, came closer. They wanted to hear this. Could their Lord really be the Savior?

A crowd grew around Steve and Gerald, who were preaching the wonders of _their_ Lord and _the_ Lord Jesus Christ. They preached how they were the loyal, faithful servants of Jesus because of His Second Coming as their Lord. Many of the Pagan purebloods worried that those baffling Christian mudbloods were on to something. They too had witnessed their Lord say things like "Glory be!" and "Sweet Jesus, Joseph, and Mary!" He even said "Bless you!" to Macnair when he sneezed one time! It was finally clear to them. They needed to convert to this Christianity, ASAP. Otherwise, their Lord may smite them. They didn't want to find out.

As Lord Voldemort walked into his throne room, he was a bit puzzled. All of his followers were gathered in one spot, with the purebloods (for some reason) crying on the muggleborns' and halfbloods' shoulders. Even Lucius was in tears! He was blabbering nonsense about how he was sorry he was a sinner and how he...needed the Holy Spirit? And how he didn't want to go to hell? What?

"What is the meaning of this? And, pray tell, why do you all weep?"

They all looked at each other for a moment, and then a voice from the center of the mass could be heard, saying, "Oh, how kind our Lord is! He cares about us! He must be the one true Lord! Praise the Lord!" A chorus of "Praise the Lord!"s followed, as well as a few "Amen!"s. Huh. His followers were acting especially weird tonight, but it's not like he wouldn't accept the praise. Finally, they showed him some appreciation for all the hard work he does.

After that revelation, the meeting continued as usual. It was also noted that the Dark Lord said "Sweet Mary, Mother of God!" and "Jesus Christ!" when he was surprised. That only further confirmed his followers' new found beliefs. By the week's end, they each swore to help bring new believers from all over the world to their Lord in order to save as many souls as possible and to help bring closer their own salvation.

 _ **Lord Voldemort: Evil Dark Lord or Dedicated Missionary?**_

 _Readers, it has come to my attention that a massive group of Christian witches and wizards has come out of seemingly nowhere here in Wizarding Britain. They have literally popped up overnight, and the people involved will undoubtedly shock and amaze you! Most of these firm believers are current Death Eaters, notably including mass murderers like the LeStranges, Walden Macnair, Fenrir Greyback, and the Carrows. Have these horrifying Death Eaters changed tunes? I truly believe so. Below is an interview I had with one Bellatrix LeStrange. Fear not, good people, I was not harmed at any point during this meeting with this charming, sane witch._

 _RS: Mrs. LeStrange, there have been rumors that You-Know-Who is actually working for the good of the entire magical world. As one of his most loyal followers, would you please elaborate?_

 _BL: Of course. My Lord is, in fact, trying to save the souls of as many magical beings as possible. Witch or wizard, magical creature or not, it doesn't matter to him. He wants to save us all. It has recently been proven that he is actually making efforts to spread the Christian faith to all parts of the world. His goal is to have us all be saved by the glory and grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ._

 _RS: He is? *here I admit to being shocked, since I thought the rumors false* About how many followers do you say he has now, as of this very moment?_

 _BL: Well, we already have gained believers in the Americas, Africa, and Europe. We're working on Asia now, China in particular. I know that we had at least 2.4 billion followers last night when I checked, and we're bound to have many more today. *she gave a soft smile at this* My Lord has saved so many already! Oh, what a great and loving Lord He is!_

 _RS: ...That many, huh? Okay, wow. I thought your Lord wanted the deaths of all muggleborns and muggles, etc. Why is he saving them now?_

 _BL: My Lord has always wanted the best for us, and many of His followers are muggleborns._

 _RS: Amazing. What a wonderful person he is. Mrs. LeStrange, it has been a pleasure speaking with you. Thank you for this enlightening information._

 _BL: No problem, Ms. Skeeter. Anything to help our cause. May the Lord be with you!_

 _Now, I believe this interview speaks for itself. Lord Voldemort is no Dark Lord. I have checked with reporters from Tokyo, Buenos Aires, New York, and Egypt, and they all say the same thing. Lord Voldemort is the world's most dedicated and caring missionary in history! He is also the most successful, considering the fact that he has over two thirds of the entire magical population of earth following the magical Christian faith, with the rest soon to follow. Readers, I urge you to give this man a chance. He was able to turn the worst human beings alive into fine, upstanding citizens who couldn't even hurt a fly. I, for one, am going to be converted to this new faith this Sunday at noon._

 _Reporting faithfully,_

 _Rita Skeeter_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I really need to remember to check these chapters after I post them. Sorry it was in code! I hope you enjoy this next chapter!

Harry was having a normal day inside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He went through his morning routine as per usual, and was currently eating breakfast in the Great Hall. He decided to have a bacon and egg sandwich today with his pumpkin juice. Ignoring Ron, who was busily shoving food down his throat, he ate and had a pleasant conversation with Hermione.

"Well, Harry, I for one prefer Chris Hemsworth over Tom Hiddleston. There is just something to be said for a caring and loyal man," Hermione said, trying to get her point across. This was a very important topic, after all.

"Honestly, Hermione. You just like him because he's tall, buff, and has blonde hair more luscious than Lucius Malfoy's!" he said smirking, watching her blush. "Tom Hiddleston is better because he plays Loki's part perfectly. He adds complexity to the character by showing he is a man hurting, that he has been broken time and again and is trying to cover it up through acts of confidence and mischief. And for blondes, I prefer Chris Evans."

She gave a huff, rolling her eyes at him. They were getting nowhere with this. They'd had this conversation all week without either making a single concession! It was getting tiring. Luckily for her, the owl post came swooping in. Wonderful! And she wouldn't have to share her copy of the Prophet with Harry this year since he was getting his own. Simply lovely.

Harry smiled as Hedwig came within his reach and gave her a strip of his bacon as he took the post. She gave a sassy hoot, saying something like, "That's right. I go all the way out to Diagon Alley for you to get the paper every day, and all you give me is a strip of bacon. I really love you, too, man." He quickly gave her his sausage. "Darn right you do," she said with her eyes as she went back to the Owlery. Hedwig was truly terrifying sometimes. Harry shivered.

Hermione gasped at the front page. How was this possible?! How could they even _believe_ for a minute that any of this was _true_?! Why—?!

"'Mione? What's wrong?" Harry asked, looking concerned for his best mate. Even Ron was giving her quizzical looks as he momentarily stopped eating. She looked at him for a moment, then solemnly nodded to the paper. The Great Hall had gone silent for a few seconds after the papers came in before bursting into furious whispers. He looked at his copy, and couldn't believe his eyes.

 _ **Lord Voldemort: Evil Dark Lord or Dedicated Missionary?**_

He needed to see Dumbledore about this. Now. Harry quickly glanced at the teachers' table and made eye contact with the Headmaster, whose eyes were for once not twinkling. They both left the hall together to talk inside his private office.

—*^*^*—LINEBREAK I LOATHE MY PHONE RIGHT NOW—*^*^*—

"Sir? What is going on? I don't understand this. How could this even happen?" Harry asked the man he considered his grandfather. The situation seemed surreal to him. Voldemort. A missionary. He scoffed. Yet people were believing it.

"My dear boy, I admit that this could very well be a ploy to gain the support of the public," he said, and continuing through Harry's confused look, stated, "He is most likely using this to take over the world, if in a way that the people do not even know that he holds the power over them." Harry now looked horrified and—dare he say it—furious. Anger made his bright green eyes burn.

"Professor, how could anyone believe this tripe?! It's all a load of rubbish! He's a murderer, for Merlin's sake!"

Albus sighed, knowing the public was easily swayed if only a certain reporter phrased the situation right. It was proven yearly here in Britain, sadly. He was going to tell Harry their options when he suddenly got a firecall from a very unexpected person.

"Dumbledore! I don't care about fighting with you right now, there is a larger problem that we must address," came the voice of Lord Voldemort himself. He seemed upset.

"Tom, I warn you that after your stunt with the Prophet, I am not quite open to your presence at the moment—"

"That is what this is about, you old fool! I cannot stand the slander spread through that piece of rubbish!"

Albus and Harry looked at each other, surprised at the Dark Lord. Wasn't he the one who orchestrate the entire ordeal? It was also surprising that for once Harry and his nemesis agreed on something. Ragnarok must be upon us, the Light members decided.

It was agreed that Lord Voldemort could come inside the office to discuss how to stop the lies from spreading further as long as he took an Unbreakable Vow not to harm anyone while inside Hogwarts. He was clearly desperate by this point (since he came to his enemies for help) so he readily took the Vow.

The atmosphere was tense for all of five seconds before the Dark Lord threw himself into an overstuffed armchair, wailing about how unfair the front-page article was. Harry's jaw dropped at the spectacle. Was this man truly the creature who has been trying to kill him all of his life? The one who he dueled with in the graveyard? He had a hard time believing it. He had a hard time believing a lot of things today.

"—and they said I was the world's most _dedicated and caring_ _missionary_ in history! How dare they? I'm a _Dark Lord_ , I don't _do_ caring!" He was working himself into a right state, he was, Harry thought. So it looks like everyone here hated that darn article. Now, he figured, they could all work toward restoring the Dark Lord's reputation as evil incarnate. It shouldn't be that hard.

This was soooooooo messed up.

The leader of the Light working alongside the leader of the Dark for a common goal. This would either eventually lead to a form of truce or an even more intense war. He didn't know which.

The group in the Headmaster's office finally came up with a plan of action after Lord Voldemort stopped ranting. Circe, that man went on for _hours_! Anyways, they would first give an interview with the Prophet to see if any misconceptions could be cleared that way. If that failed, they would go around Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade to personally give speeches about Voldie's evilness. All three of them talking about how he murders and tortures without a care. And how he probably kicks puppies, too. That should be convincing…If not, they would go to the Ministry to let Voldemort wreak havoc. Without hurting anyone, of course. He would only destroy the Atrium and most of the offices. Nothing important.

Harry sighed as the Dark Lord flooed out of the office. He gave Dumbledore a tired look, and the Headmaster smiled. He was so proud of Harry for doing this. This was for the Greater Good, after all. Such a fine young man.

Chuckling, Albus said, "Harry, my boy, go to sleep. You've done well today. I'll let you know when we will put our plan into action."

The raven-haired boy nodded, then dragged himself back to his dorm. Thank Merlin it was a Saturday. He could sleep in tomorrow, since it was already eight o'clock tonight. That took all day! No wonder he was dead tired.

They only needed to carry out their plan in order for the world to be right again. At least, that's what he hoped.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: And here's the second fixed part. Or kind of fixed. Linebreaks are the enemies of phone-posting authors. Warning: This just gets crazier as you read it. I had no idea it would turn out like this, my fingers just kept typing. And remember, _this is just for laughs. _ I don't mean to insult anyone. If you had a problem with the summary, don't read the fic. Anyways, the rest of you enjoy!

It looks like the Prophet struck again. Only this time, Harry was involved.

 ** _Is Harry Potter the Antichrist?_**

 _My fellow magicals and Magical Christians, I have come to a realization. A revelation, if you will. Our loving, caring, amazing Lord represents all that is Good and Holy. If this is true, why then has he been trying to rid the world of Harry Potter in particular? From the moment he was born, our Lord has been after him. Why, I ask you. It is because Harry Potter is, in fact, the Antichrist._

 _He was the reason our Lord was killed on Halloween all those many years ago. But our Lord rose from the dead once more to bring us to salvation! To help rid us of that foul creature! Harry Potter has fought our Lord and Saviour countless times, defying Christ in every way. He was offered a chance at redemption by our kind and forgiving Lord, but he immediately turned it down, shouting, "Never!" He refused the love of God, openly hating Him always._

 _And what have we done? We have praised this demon, this hell spawn, who is more evil than Satan himself. We have glorified him, instead of the One who is truly working to save our souls from eternal damnation. This grave error must be rectified immediately. We must help God and Jesus (our Lord) through annihilating the Antichrist!_

 _Readers, I call upon you now to aide me in this task! We must defeat this evil! Kill the Antichrist!_

 _Rita Skeeter_

 _Magical Christian of Great Britain_

Oh sugar honey iced tea, he had to get out of here! Most students and teachers were staring at him hatefully, and some were even raising their wands. Merlin, he was going to die!

"I didn't know you were the Antichrist, mate. Does this make me a Horseman?" Ron stupidly commented. Didn't he see his life was on the line here?!

Hermione quickly whispered to him, "Put on the cloak, Harry! The cloak!" Oh yeah, he always carried it in his pocket. Magic bless her for being his voice of reason. He whipped out his cloak and put it on in record time, running out of the Great Hall at top speed. He had to get to Dumbledore's office!

A mass of witches and wizards stormed the halls of Hogwarts, searching for the Antichrist. Students, teachers, parents, Aurors, Death Eaters, everyone was looking. They had to take him out in the name of their Lord.

Harry was almost to his safe haven when he ran into someone. The cloak fell off of him when he landed, and he could only pray to the Gods that this person was on his side. To his shock, he was.

"Potter?"

"Riddle?"

Lord Voldemort had come to Hogwarts for a meeting with Dumbledore. He had noticed people swarming the halls, and had quickly put a glamour on. Trust Potter to recognize him even when he looked blonde-haired, grey-eyed, and female. With a floral dress and heels nonetheless.

Harry stared stupidly for a moment at the apparent woman, then shook his head, a bit dazed. Where was his life going? Fate just loved throwing the most random stuff in front of him and watching him react. Hearing footsteps, he knocked himself out of his stupor. He grabbed Voldewoman and put his cloak over them both.

"Wha—?!"

He put his hand over her mouth to shut her up.

The footsteps and angry voices of the mob slowly faded out, and he gently released her.

Riddle just stared at him for a moment before he angrily dragged him to the office, muttering about stupid Vows and how he was never taking another one ever again. Stupid Potter. All his fault. Harry assumed he hadn't read the morning's Prophet yet, so he promptly filled the man-woman in. When they'd finally arrived, Dumbledore was already present. He made no comment about Tom's appearance. To each their own, after all. He wouldn't judge her.

"Would either of you care for a Lemon Drop?" he asked.

They looked at him, then flatly said, "No." Who could eat candy at a time like this? He had to be barmy. Sadly, they needed his help either way.

"We must act before the Prophet can make this any worse. We must give them an interview to clear up this mess. Now, preferably," the Dark Lord said as he took off his glamour. He was never using _that_ one again. He loved his perfectly scaly self, thank you very much.

"I agree, my boy. The question, however, is what we will tell them," seeing Tom's raised eyebrow, he continued, "We need to persuade them with facts. They strongly believe in their faith, Tom. We must use logic. And perhaps a bit of terror—cough—reason."

Harry didn't know what to think. Was this morally right? Maybe? No? He was going to die otherwise, so he decided it was perfectly within his moral boundaries. Yep. Totally fine with it.

The Dark Lord grinned. Now _this_ was what he was talking about! Finally, something productive they could do. And he knew exactly how.

—*^*^*—LINEBREAK STUPID PHONE WON'T WORK RIGHT SORRY—*^*^*—

All magicals were gathered on Hogwarts' grounds, discussing where to search for the Evil One. Many thoughts were traded, and a few were voted on as their next course of action. But before any plan could be put into motion, they were interrupted with a loud cheep. Cheep?

A gigantic, golden-yellow chick suddenly appeared before them out of nowhere. It had a pair of bunny ears on its head, and a fluffy white tail. Did they mention it wore a black top hat and matching bow tie? Whatever it was (a chick-bunny hybrid, perhaps?), they had to admit it dressed with style. But wha—?

More bunny-chicks popped out of the ground, each wearing their own top hat and bow tie. The colours ranged from lilac to zebra striped. It was all very cute, but confusing. What were they doing again?

The witches and wizards thought that whatever it was they were doing, it mustn't have been very important. They could do it later. Right now, they just wanted to pet the adorable fluffy creatures before them.

—*^*^*—LINEBREAK THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING RIGHT NOW—*^*^*—

"I thought we were going to convince them to stop using terror—erm, reason," Harry asked, confused now more than ever.

"Potter. Did you not _see_ those disgusting creatures? They were horrifying! How can one _not_ be terrified by the mere sight of them?"

Albus and Harry just looked at each other, silently agreeing that Dark Lords were very strange people. Like, who thought adorable animals were terrifying? They really needed to get him some counseling.

Oh well. At least this gave them time to have an interview with the Daily Prophet before the paper came out tomorrow morning. Small miracles.


End file.
